One time I jumped out of bed to feed Austin in the middle of the night. I was only half awake and took a wrong turn in the pitch dark and walked right into the wall. Not only did it feel like I broke my face. It was the surprise of my life. It came out of nowhere! Who does that? I was only walking but it felt like I had ran full force into the wall. I have a face print in my wall to prove it.
That's how depression feels to me. life is going great. And all of a sudden out of nowhere I hit a wall. Its painful. Its surprising and worse of all is once your there its hard to do anything about it.
Before you start to give advice think of yourself smacking into a wall.
Or stubbing your toe.
Imagine someone saying well all you need to do is go get active, find a hobby. That's what you get when you don't wear shoes, or my personal favorite just take a deep breath.
There are a lot of tools that do really help depression don't get me wrong
But imagine what does make you feel more supported when you stub your toe. Ouch that hurts! I hate it when that happens! Are you OK? Oh no!
Depression for me is a period of time where I feel like crap! Its like PMS times 100.
Feelings of
Loneliness
Helplessness
Extreme sadness
Sometimes I just start sobbing as if I hears terrible news but absolutely nothing has happened. But it feels like something terrible has happened. Then you feel
Guilty
Stupid
Irritated
Sometimes I try to tell myself
Just get over it. Its all in your head.
Why are you doing this?
It doesn't really work like that.
Its awful.
I wish I had answers.
BUT I am grateful once again for my active support system who gets me through. Love you guys!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
My journey in mental health
Purpose: To give hope to others.
I've started this blog post many times over the past weeks.
I've begun to type only to backspace again, shaking my head, thinking, " No that's not it."
I've done this over and over again.
I think the main reason this one is so hard for to write is because what I'm about to tell you makes me vulnerable. What I'm about to say might surprise you. It might make you think of me differently then you have before.
I want to share with you my journey to finding peace.
You see this is something I've always struggled with. To be completely honest it's something that I struggle with every day. That's because I suffer with bi polar disorder.
You can look up the technical definition of bi polar disorder if you'd like. You won't find it here.
What I'm going to tell you is MY journey, MY struggles, MY triumphs, and MY falls and how I'm actively searching for peace in my life. My story may or may not fall into the "technical" symptoms of the disease but that's because
I am not my diagnosis.
and here's why...
I'm a daughter a wife a mother.
I'm a good cook.
I'm a swimmer.
No picture available :)
I'm a painter.
I like to work out and eat healthy.
Again no picture... luckily!
I like to craft.
Some days I have crazy days. Days where I swing from high to low.
Sometimes I feel like screaming and let's be honest sometimes I do scream. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world invincible. Really really super de Dooper best mood ever!!!! Seems fun huh? Its not because that's when the worst crashes follow. The lowest of lows where you feel all alone.
But with the best of the best support system. Doctors therapists family. The best husband ever and don't forget ME I mostly have good days!
A year ago, March 2013 to be exact. I was hospitalized with bi polar disorder. It was one of the best things I ever did. That might sound weird to a lot of people but it was my start to getting treatment.
It was the START. It definitely was not the end by any means. From there I was referred to an awesome therapist, Dr Lisa Houston. and from there I was referred to Dr Dipeirdiminico or Dr "D" :)
She's a the best of the best psychiatrists at UofA in Tucson Arizona.
My treatment consists of therapy, medication. ROUTINE, exercise eating right and mindful meditation. and that's what works for me!
Back to my purpose, I hope that anyone who is struggling with depression, anxiety and or suicidal thoughts will find this helpful.
I want you to know that you are not a lone. Many of us suffer every day! and you can do it! You can find peace in your life. and I pray that you do. I'm a listening ear if you need it.
Purpose: To give hope to others.
I've started this blog post many times over the past weeks.
I've begun to type only to backspace again, shaking my head, thinking, " No that's not it."
I've done this over and over again.
I think the main reason this one is so hard for to write is because what I'm about to tell you makes me vulnerable. What I'm about to say might surprise you. It might make you think of me differently then you have before.
I want to share with you my journey to finding peace.
You see this is something I've always struggled with. To be completely honest it's something that I struggle with every day. That's because I suffer with bi polar disorder.
You can look up the technical definition of bi polar disorder if you'd like. You won't find it here.
What I'm going to tell you is MY journey, MY struggles, MY triumphs, and MY falls and how I'm actively searching for peace in my life. My story may or may not fall into the "technical" symptoms of the disease but that's because
I am not my diagnosis.
and here's why...
I'm a daughter a wife a mother.
I'm a good cook.
I'm a swimmer.
No picture available :)
I'm a painter.
I like to work out and eat healthy.
Again no picture... luckily!
I like to craft.
Some days I have crazy days. Days where I swing from high to low.
Sometimes I feel like screaming and let's be honest sometimes I do scream. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world invincible. Really really super de Dooper best mood ever!!!! Seems fun huh? Its not because that's when the worst crashes follow. The lowest of lows where you feel all alone.
But with the best of the best support system. Doctors therapists family. The best husband ever and don't forget ME I mostly have good days!
A year ago, March 2013 to be exact. I was hospitalized with bi polar disorder. It was one of the best things I ever did. That might sound weird to a lot of people but it was my start to getting treatment.
It was the START. It definitely was not the end by any means. From there I was referred to an awesome therapist, Dr Lisa Houston. and from there I was referred to Dr Dipeirdiminico or Dr "D" :)
She's a the best of the best psychiatrists at UofA in Tucson Arizona.
My treatment consists of therapy, medication. ROUTINE, exercise eating right and mindful meditation. and that's what works for me!
Back to my purpose, I hope that anyone who is struggling with depression, anxiety and or suicidal thoughts will find this helpful.
I want you to know that you are not a lone. Many of us suffer every day! and you can do it! You can find peace in your life. and I pray that you do. I'm a listening ear if you need it.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
developmental toy wish list
Hi family!!
I sure have come a long way this year.
I know you are all so proud!
I've been working very hard to learn new things!
My birthdays coming up on may 14!
My mom and my teachers helped me come up with a list of toys that will help me learn even more! I love you all lots. We are still planning a fun party. When my mom gets her head on straight and sets a day I'll let you know.
Love Austin.
PS here's the list.
BubblesAny toy that blows bubbles
Play dough
Cookie cutters or kids scissors to cut play dough
And play dough toys
Books that have one or two words on each page. We really like brown bear.
Wooden or foam puzzles
A slide with steps
Jungle gym
Sewn bean bags for tossing
Balls
Buckets
Stacking cups
Crayons
Coloring books
Books with pictures of grandparents and cousins
Little pool
Please no electronics.
Monday, March 10, 2014
how to find a man. ;)
Saturday night we had the missionaries over for dinner. We know these two particular elders really well. They are really great guys and we love them! One elder was telling us about his girlfriend dilemma. He was telling us how they had decided to break up and all the details that went along with that. The other elder said I don't really have any experience with girls so I ha e nothing to contribute to this conversation. He joked saying "I had a dog die once."
I have had so many conversations like this through my whole life. Wonderful people anxious to find love! Girls are usually a little more expressive about their situation than this elder. Saying things like "I just want to find him." Some girls have an actual check list of attributes they want in a husband. But the one statement I want to write about is "what am I doing wrong?"
I will never forget the conversation I had with my brother Chris. He was driving me to school in his jeep. He was engaged to his wife and he was so in love. It was so fun for me to watch their love story. I wanted to find love just like he did.
He told me that he had tried all these things to find a wife. He had followed all the advice of married people. He had tried to date as often as he could. He was trying to be his best self and develope all these awesome attributes. And then he said that he realized it wasn't about trying so hard. That one day it just happened! And he fell in love.
It just happened!
That phrase stuck with me. And that's exactly the way I fell in love. It just happened.
I also want to say I HATED dating. The kind where you are in college and you get all dressed up with your roommates and go out with the intentions of meeting a man and having a great conversation that will result in him asking you on a date and the rest will be history!
HA! That did not ever happen to me.
I was the worlds worst dater ever!
There is one very specific story that pretty much sums up my dating life. Our BYU church group went rafting down Provo river. I grew up in new mexico!!! We don't have rivers! And after all I'm an all state swimmer. I don't need a life jacket. I started off in a kayak with a guy... I don't ever remember his name. We were floating for About 20 seconds when we hit a bridge pole and rolled it and I got pinned under the kayak and he was on top of the kayak that was on top of me. I really thought I was going to die. Then I got out from under the kayak and the guy got back in the kayak and I didn't.... so then my knight in shining armor came to rescue me. His named is Steve! Of course this is the guy I'm going to float down the river with!!! He got out of his raft pulled me out of the river and walked on land to his raft but... there was no room for me on his raft. He gave me some line like be would've loved to raft with me but he had a slow leak in his raft and it just wasn't going to work out... then another guy came along... Taylor... he had one of this small inter tubes. Big enough for 1... so we tried to balance it out but it didn't work. So we both got out and walked along side of the river. I had no shoes. He offered MD his shoes. What a nice guy! We caught up with the rafters with a slow leak they were also walking on the train tracks. Oh did I mention we were walking on train tracks? Yep but a local said don't worry there hasn't been a train on these tracks in years! That's when the heeber creeper came around the Corner forcing us to jump off the cliff into the river.... Taylor was the guy for me! He was older... he was from Utah. Tall dark and handsome. We had great conversation on the river. He didn't ditch me like all those other guys. He was exactly what I was looking for. When I got home that day I decided there was action that needed to be taken! Absolutely. I should make him cookies to thank him for being so nice and then he will see that im a good cook and want to marry me!! I went to the store made him cookies. Dropped them off at his apt and never heard from him again.
DATING sucks!!!!
I remember feeling lonely. I remember feeling vulnerable. I remember feeling unwanted and unworthy. I remember the feeling of heart ache and rejection. It hurts!
And you can't share those feelings with anyone especially someone who's married because they won't understand. They'll give you some speech about just being yourself and focusing on you! But don't forget to loose weight dress up and be as social as you can. You never want to look lousy because you never know when your going to meet your future husband. No one like a bitter girl so put a smile on your face and be positive!
Guess what?
if it was necessary to be good at dating I would be single foreveeeeeeeer.
My advice is not to follow advice. Someday it will just happen for you!!! And I will be so excited to come to your wedding and eat cake!
I have had so many conversations like this through my whole life. Wonderful people anxious to find love! Girls are usually a little more expressive about their situation than this elder. Saying things like "I just want to find him." Some girls have an actual check list of attributes they want in a husband. But the one statement I want to write about is "what am I doing wrong?"
I will never forget the conversation I had with my brother Chris. He was driving me to school in his jeep. He was engaged to his wife and he was so in love. It was so fun for me to watch their love story. I wanted to find love just like he did.
He told me that he had tried all these things to find a wife. He had followed all the advice of married people. He had tried to date as often as he could. He was trying to be his best self and develope all these awesome attributes. And then he said that he realized it wasn't about trying so hard. That one day it just happened! And he fell in love.
It just happened!
That phrase stuck with me. And that's exactly the way I fell in love. It just happened.
I also want to say I HATED dating. The kind where you are in college and you get all dressed up with your roommates and go out with the intentions of meeting a man and having a great conversation that will result in him asking you on a date and the rest will be history!
HA! That did not ever happen to me.
I was the worlds worst dater ever!
There is one very specific story that pretty much sums up my dating life. Our BYU church group went rafting down Provo river. I grew up in new mexico!!! We don't have rivers! And after all I'm an all state swimmer. I don't need a life jacket. I started off in a kayak with a guy... I don't ever remember his name. We were floating for About 20 seconds when we hit a bridge pole and rolled it and I got pinned under the kayak and he was on top of the kayak that was on top of me. I really thought I was going to die. Then I got out from under the kayak and the guy got back in the kayak and I didn't.... so then my knight in shining armor came to rescue me. His named is Steve! Of course this is the guy I'm going to float down the river with!!! He got out of his raft pulled me out of the river and walked on land to his raft but... there was no room for me on his raft. He gave me some line like be would've loved to raft with me but he had a slow leak in his raft and it just wasn't going to work out... then another guy came along... Taylor... he had one of this small inter tubes. Big enough for 1... so we tried to balance it out but it didn't work. So we both got out and walked along side of the river. I had no shoes. He offered MD his shoes. What a nice guy! We caught up with the rafters with a slow leak they were also walking on the train tracks. Oh did I mention we were walking on train tracks? Yep but a local said don't worry there hasn't been a train on these tracks in years! That's when the heeber creeper came around the Corner forcing us to jump off the cliff into the river.... Taylor was the guy for me! He was older... he was from Utah. Tall dark and handsome. We had great conversation on the river. He didn't ditch me like all those other guys. He was exactly what I was looking for. When I got home that day I decided there was action that needed to be taken! Absolutely. I should make him cookies to thank him for being so nice and then he will see that im a good cook and want to marry me!! I went to the store made him cookies. Dropped them off at his apt and never heard from him again.
DATING sucks!!!!
I remember feeling lonely. I remember feeling vulnerable. I remember feeling unwanted and unworthy. I remember the feeling of heart ache and rejection. It hurts!
And you can't share those feelings with anyone especially someone who's married because they won't understand. They'll give you some speech about just being yourself and focusing on you! But don't forget to loose weight dress up and be as social as you can. You never want to look lousy because you never know when your going to meet your future husband. No one like a bitter girl so put a smile on your face and be positive!
Guess what?
if it was necessary to be good at dating I would be single foreveeeeeeeer.
My advice is not to follow advice. Someday it will just happen for you!!! And I will be so excited to come to your wedding and eat cake!
Friday, January 17, 2014
I'm usually not the blogging type but I had a crazy series of thoughts that are too long for a Facebook status so I'm sharing it here!
I was cleaning my house this morning. That's my new years resolution... keeping a tidy house. Fly lady says 15 minutes a day is all it takes. Fly lady must be a single no kids living in a studio apartment with nothing but knick knacks because it takes me at least 2 hours to keep up. Then I thought I bet there's a stupid blog somewhere that goes something like this..
I'm the all knowing perfect mom and this is how I keep a perfect house and I have a toddler and I start at 9 pm clean the entire house while my family is tucked into bed. The. I wake up an hour before everyone to get ready for the day and then I follow my toddler around the house picking up every mess all day and I eat while he takes a nap.
That lead me to think of all the conflicting opinions of how to be the best mom.
Dont spank your kids talk it out but she. He doesn't listen then make sure you use the thickest belt you have so he learns a lesson because by golly I was spanked and I turned out perfect!
Don't let your kid have any screen time because he will not develop correctly and die
But if you do use screen time make sure its baby Einstein or learning apps so he will develope successfully and not die.
Make sure you use hand santizier every 10 to 15 minutes so your baby doesn't get sick. On second thought scratch that because germs help you develop antibodies so your baby doesn't get sick and die.
Put your baby on his belly to sleep so when he spits up he won't choke and die but actually he will die because of SIDS
And then I thought of the contraversary that stresses me out the most... vaccines!!!!!
Big pharma
Give your baby shots or he will die
I vaccinate so I protect my baby
I don't vaccinate to protect my baby
Drs are bribed with fancy vacations for every 100 shots they give
Conspiracy theories
Then I remembered something very special to me. One of the ladies from Canada who I love invited me to pray and God would give me an answer. Yesterday my mom and I had a little scripture chase. It was really neat to learn from my mom. I really value her testimony.
We read about the word of wisdom in the doctrine and covenants.
Section 89 vs 4... in consequence if evil designs which do and will exist in the hearts if men in the last day...
I thought someone has to be lying.
Why do I feel extreme anxiety wheat her I vaccinate my precious baby boy?
I feel like a bad mom either way.
I have learned this past year that anxiety is an unrealistic fear.
Then these thoughts ran through my head like flashes
Conspiracy theories
Trust the experts.
I imagined the faces of nurses and drs that are my personal friends that I love and trust.
These are not evil people
They are in this field because they are compassionate not greedy.
I was filled with a feeling of peace and comfort.
I know this was my answer from heavenly father and I'm grateful.
I no longer want to be confused by the voices around me but me a confident mom!
I know Jared and I have the common sense that will help our baby to grow into a wonderful person!
I am in no way suggesting that this is the all knowing way or that I'm the perfect mom.
I know that God is all knowing and he does know the answer for you and your family.
I was cleaning my house this morning. That's my new years resolution... keeping a tidy house. Fly lady says 15 minutes a day is all it takes. Fly lady must be a single no kids living in a studio apartment with nothing but knick knacks because it takes me at least 2 hours to keep up. Then I thought I bet there's a stupid blog somewhere that goes something like this..
I'm the all knowing perfect mom and this is how I keep a perfect house and I have a toddler and I start at 9 pm clean the entire house while my family is tucked into bed. The. I wake up an hour before everyone to get ready for the day and then I follow my toddler around the house picking up every mess all day and I eat while he takes a nap.
That lead me to think of all the conflicting opinions of how to be the best mom.
Dont spank your kids talk it out but she. He doesn't listen then make sure you use the thickest belt you have so he learns a lesson because by golly I was spanked and I turned out perfect!
Don't let your kid have any screen time because he will not develop correctly and die
But if you do use screen time make sure its baby Einstein or learning apps so he will develope successfully and not die.
Make sure you use hand santizier every 10 to 15 minutes so your baby doesn't get sick. On second thought scratch that because germs help you develop antibodies so your baby doesn't get sick and die.
Put your baby on his belly to sleep so when he spits up he won't choke and die but actually he will die because of SIDS
And then I thought of the contraversary that stresses me out the most... vaccines!!!!!
Big pharma
Give your baby shots or he will die
I vaccinate so I protect my baby
I don't vaccinate to protect my baby
Drs are bribed with fancy vacations for every 100 shots they give
Conspiracy theories
Then I remembered something very special to me. One of the ladies from Canada who I love invited me to pray and God would give me an answer. Yesterday my mom and I had a little scripture chase. It was really neat to learn from my mom. I really value her testimony.
We read about the word of wisdom in the doctrine and covenants.
Section 89 vs 4... in consequence if evil designs which do and will exist in the hearts if men in the last day...
I thought someone has to be lying.
Why do I feel extreme anxiety wheat her I vaccinate my precious baby boy?
I feel like a bad mom either way.
I have learned this past year that anxiety is an unrealistic fear.
Then these thoughts ran through my head like flashes
Conspiracy theories
Trust the experts.
I imagined the faces of nurses and drs that are my personal friends that I love and trust.
These are not evil people
They are in this field because they are compassionate not greedy.
I was filled with a feeling of peace and comfort.
I know this was my answer from heavenly father and I'm grateful.
I no longer want to be confused by the voices around me but me a confident mom!
I know Jared and I have the common sense that will help our baby to grow into a wonderful person!
I am in no way suggesting that this is the all knowing way or that I'm the perfect mom.
I know that God is all knowing and he does know the answer for you and your family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)